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Susan Fee

In This Issue

News & Notes:  Anticipation

Topic of the Month:  Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Questions for Reflection

Action Step

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News & Notes: Anticipation

In his book, Stumbling on Happiness, author Dan Gilbert shares research that states we receive more pleasure from smaller, more frequent breaks rather than saving up for a big vacation once a year.  We also gain more pleasure preceding a vacation by engaging in planning and anticipation than in the days following.

Based on my own experience, I believe that’s true.  I’m three weeks away from my spring break and I’m pumped!  The other value of taking breaks is that you must learn to say no to other obligations.  Saying no is good exercise in establishing healthy boundaries.  I struggle myself with piling on too much, but in the end, I only have myself to blame.  If you struggle with boundaries, this month’s newsletter is for you! 

And just for fun and inspiration, take a look at this speech by designer Sefan Sagmeister on the power of time off.  He advocates a radical sabbatical every seven years.

Until next month,

And, just for fun and inspiration, take a look at this speech by d

Susan Fee

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Topic of the Month: Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries can be defined as the line where you end and another person begins.  One way to think of them is like fences.  Some people have put up sturdy fences, others are broken and in disrepair, and others have built brick walls.  In relationships, boundary lines are invisible.  They remain unknown to others (and sometimes to yourself) unless you share them.  Sometimes we are unaware that our boundaries have been violated until it’s too late, and the relationship has been damaged.  Use the following guidelines to help you establish healthy boundaries:

Know the signs.  Healthy boundaries are firm, yet flexible based on need.  Some days, we may require more distance or closeness.  They include honest communication, reciprocity, and an understanding that each person is responsible for meeting his or her own needs.  In contrast, unhealthy boundaries are either extreme of this model.  One example is of being too distant with no communication or dependence on others for information.  The other extreme is over-reliance on another person to the point of sharing too much in a desperate attempt to be liked.  These are the folks you just can’t get rid of! 

Make no assumptions.  Have you ever responded to someone’s work request by thinking, “That’s not my job!” Before you get angry, consider whether or not you’ve ever shared the boundaries of your role.  How do you define your role and responsibilities?  What are your expectations of your role and others?  When are you available in person or through technology?  (Be careful of using phrases like, “open door policy” unless you mean it!)

 

Communicate early and often.  What you allow, you teach.  In other words, if you allow others to inappropriately cross your boundaries, you teach them it’s okay.  If someone should misunderstand or push your limits, state so immediately.  The sooner you communicate, the fewer misunderstandings will take place.

Prepare for hurt feelings.  If you’ve allowed someone to become too dependent on you, establishing a healthy boundary will feel like rejection.  However, it’s actually more hurtful to do for others what they should be doing for themselves because it delays their growth.  Encouraging a distant person to communicate more will also be challenging.  Start by meeting more frequently and modeling ways to share small, but safe bits of information.

Spot red flags.  Boundaries can become unclear with the use of technology.  Disclosing intimate personal information online can affect professional treatment.  The immediacy of texting and cell phones can give the impression that one should respond to requests without delay.  Be aware of excessive self-disclosure, selective communication, unfair treatment, or flirtatious behavior.  These are all red flags that you’re crossing the line between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.

Learn more about setting healthy boundaries!

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Questions for Reflection

What type of boundaries have you established in your personal and/or professional life?

If they are unhealthy, what actions or expectations blurred the lines?

What will you need to say to communicate your boundaries clearly?

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 Action Step

Write down what your boundaries are and how you communicate them to others.  (Silence does not count as communicating for this exercise!) 

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Interested in booking training or coaching?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

Susan Fee is a professional clinical counselor, personal coach, and national speaker.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Dealing with Mean girls, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2009