Products by

Susan Fee

In This Issue

News & Notes:  Fill Me Up

Topic of the Month: Ask for What You Want

Questions for Reflection

Action Step

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News & Notes:  Fill Me Up

I’m ready to fill my bucket.  I’ll be in Charlotte, NC this week attending the American Counseling Association’s annual conference.  I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that I’m not presenting!

That may sound odd from someone who makes a large portion of her living speaking professionally.  But, you can’t put out all the time without renewing and refilling.  I can’t wait to stroll in just before the seminar starts and soak in everything someone else has prepared.  Ahhh. Heaven!

But, before that, I’ll be joining my friends at the Tri-State Camping Association’s annual conference in Atlantic City where I will be speaking about relational aggression and setting healthy boundaries.  I’ve posted additional tips about relational aggression between girls on my blog, so please check it out. 

 

Until next month,

Susan Fee

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Topic of the Month: Ask for What You Want

“Mom!  This can opener won’t work!”  My ten-year-old daughter, Gabrielle had decided she wanted to make dinner for the family.  If you’re a parent, you know that’s a lot more work for you than fixing it yourself!

After shopping and reviewing directions with her, I headed for my upstairs office while she toiled away in the kitchen.  It wasn’t long before she was shouting for help.  Or was she?  I could hear the frustration in her voice, but actually, she didn’t ask for my help.  She just told me about a situation.

How often have you made a statement and expected someone else to interpret the help you needed?  Sometimes we ask for help, but we’re not specific about the type of help we need and how we want to receive it.  If the other person gets it wrong, we get angry.  That’s not really fair, is it?  Here are some tips on how to lose the anger and ask for exactly what you want:

Ask, don’t suggest.  If you really want help, ask for it.  It’s not fair to suggest that, “Maybe somebody could take the garbage out in the next year,” and expect the result you want.

Speak with the end in mind. At the end of a conversation, what do you want to happen?  How do you want to feel?  How do you hope the other person will feel?  With that goal in mind, what do you need to specifically ask for to reach that result?

Stop testing others.  Ever use this line of reasoning?  “If he/she loved me, I wouldn’t need to ask.”  Not true!  Stop testing people and be accountable for your own needs.  It’s frustrating for loved ones to try and guess your every need. Help them out by being clear.  

Get specific.  How do you want to be helped?  Do you prefer explanation, demonstration, or encouragement?  Or maybe, you just want to vent and helping to you means listening and no solving.  It’s up to you to ask for what you need.     

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Questions for Reflection

Think about the times when you either have been frustrated by not receiving any help, or receiving help in an unhelpful way.  How could you get a better result?

Do you ever make suggestions versus clearly asking for what you want?  What topics do you tend to be vague about by merely making suggestions?

Have you ever unintentionally offended someone by offering help when none was requested?  How can you determine if the person just wants to vent versus wanting solutions?

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 Action Step

Identify a future conversation in which you will be asking for something.  Keeping the end in mind, how will you phrase your request?

 

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Interested in booking training or coaching?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor, personal coach, and national speaker.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2009